The phrase “kill them with kindness” has never sat right with me. It feels a lot like “they go low, you go high” and allows the asshole in question to get away with being a prick. However, there have been times when I noticed this tactic work. Some of the discussions in Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny have had me thinking about this again, as women are so often told to do this in response to men. 

I am writing this piece not to excuse the assholes and pricks of the world; ideally, they would stop their cruelty, face reprimands for their actions, or simply shut up. Figuring out how to respond to them should not be necessary, and should not require this additional emotional labour from their target. Unfortunately, these jackasses nonetheless exist. The aim of this piece is to tease out what these people look like and how to effectively deal with them when they inevitably arise, if you have the means.

I would like to note that responding in kind to either of these jackasses requires privilege not everyone has. I am fortunate to be able to do so. I have a supportive partner, both in the emotional and financial senses, so leaving or being let go from previous shitty workplaces had few negative immediate consequences for me. Not everyone is so lucky, and to those people – good luck dealing with the assholes and pricks.

I think there are, broadly, two types of people you might hear this phrase in relation to. Against one of them, the intentional asshole, it will work. Against the other, the incidental prick, it will not. I elaborate on this below.

Intentional Asshole

The people who can successfully be challenged by being kind are those who are being an asshole with the intent to hurt. They expect a reaction, or a rise, from their hurtful words or actions. They are aware of what they are doing, and doing so deliberately, because they enjoy belittling others or seeing them hurt by their actions. It might make them feel powerful in some way to do this.

And so, responding to their hurtful words or actions with kindness, or at least not getting angry or rude in return, works. You’re depriving them of the reaction they sought, which will piss them off. A simple way to do this is to take their question at face value. Ignore their tone and any harsh language, then watch their viciousness fizzle out when they fail to get what they wanted.

Depending on the person or context, this may not actually help. Some people might redouble their efforts and be an even bigger asshole to get the reaction they want, becoming more difficult to ignore in the process. This is especially the case if the asshole in question is in a position of power, or if the behaviour is taking place in an environment which enables it. Why would they stop if they enjoy it and are not going to face any consequences?

Ideally, however, they leave you alone. You can tell when it works by their reaction. I have a vivid memory of a former boss whose lips would droop; his eyes would lose their gleam; his mouth would tighten in frustration. Then he’d mumble some response and move onto something or someone else. It was always satisfying to watch him go, but not entirely, knowing I’d have to deal with him again tomorrow. Knowing, as well, that he was going to try to extract his power trip from someone else. Shockingly, I checked out of that place pretty quickly. 

Incidental Prick

This prick sees you as subservient. In their view, everyone around them exists to serve them. When they’re being a prick, it’s not necessarily deliberate, though it can be. It’s more they don’t consider you an equal, so they spare no thought as to whether they hurt your feelings.

Because they view themselves as strictly superior, responding to their harm with kindness reinforces their perspective. You are acquiescing to their worldview, in which you (and others) exist to serve them and their peers. Responding with kindness will not harm them in any way and is simply viewed as respecting their authority. It is part of the natural state of things.

The way to piss them off would be to be rude, refuse their request, or disrupt the script in some other way. I recall a meeting with a manager at a previous workplace in which I, about to leave and out of fucks to give, interrupted the man’s long-winded explanation of a task so he could get to the point (and stop wasting everyone’s time). He looked and sounded dazed, and was so befuddled someone else had to jump in to take over.

Regrettably, many people would be unable to respond in such a way without jeopardising something essential. If the incidental prick is someone actually important, failing to do as they request in the manner they desire will have consequences. There are countless stories on the internet of people complying with demands from important people no matter how outrageous or disruptive to their already existing work or plans. It would also be problematic in the workplace in general, but even moreso if the prick in question is a manager with power over you and your career.

Even if you are unable to respond along these lines when you encounter these assholes and pricks, I hope having them broken down like this makes the variants easier to spot.